Sleepy

rip

Sleeping.   

I love to sleep but I think that is because I don't get much of it. 

I am an insomniac. 

I have been one since I can remember. 

Seriously.               
                                                        

I can remember being in daycare and laying on my little blue cot wondering why all the other kids were asleep and I wasn't. 

I, also, remember being tapped awake hearing that my mommy had come for me. 

Just as I fell asleep. 

And the cycle of sleep deprivation has just continued through my life. 

I can almost never remember sleeping through a whole night.
                                                                                     

Even being drugged up for whatever reason has never given me a full 8 hours of sleep. 

I can remember laying in bed crying when I was a teen because I knew I was going to be so tired in the morning but I would have to get out of the warm bed and deal with the cold and then go to school. 

Boy, what a bitch that was. 

I do not know why I can't sleep. 

Some wise old soul once told me that maybe my ancestors were the village night watch so it could be in my DNA not to sleep.                                                                       

Some other wiser soul told me I just might be too damn nosy and refused to sleep in case I miss something. 

Hmm. 

I think I like the first opinion instead. 

If I was just awake and not tired then fine 

But        
                                                                   

                                                                               
That is not the case. 

At all. 

I am so tired sometimes I want to cry to this day. 

Sometimes I will not be able to actually sleep for almost a week. 

I will just drift from dream to dream which is how I know that I slept a little the next morning.
                                                                       

Those times are the worst. 

My mom used to give me Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Time tea. 

My young body just laughed at that. 

Then as it got older I tried over the counter stuff. 

Doctor prescribed stuff.                                                                            

I walk most mornings at about 5am for 5 miles and I still do not sleep. 

I am never so exhausted I fall asleep anywhere. 

If a guy wants to be sure if I like him all he has to do is see if I fall asleep around him. 

If I fall asleep around him I must really fricking like him. 

My brain never stops.
                                                                           

Even when I do fall asleep all I really do is dream. 

Vivid dreams that most likely will come true. 

So I still do not feel rested. 

Every night I dream most of the little bit of sleep time I get away. 

No amount of any kind of activity puts me to sleep.

                                                                                     

Hmm. 

So nothing works. 

I have given up on sleeping for the most part. 

I have accepted that I was not meant to sleep the whole night, though. 

I have accepted that the only reason I get any sleep is so that I can dream about what I need to know.
                                                                                    

And that is that. 

No sleep is a bummer. 

Once I blacked out. 

Really. 

Just like in the books I swooned.
                                                                               

I am a delicate flower, don't you know. 

I blacked out at a soca party and that was the best sleep I ever got. 

Seriously. 

I do not remember anything but blackness. 

It was awesome as hell but the blackout had my head messed up for months.
                                                                               

My brain couldn't handle that intense level of sleep but I loved it. 

If death is just a never ending blackness I am almost ready to die. 

Almost.